Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Pirates Unvail 2009 Slogan Finalists

Once again our PSR Pirate Insider was granted unprecedented access to internal club marketing meetings. With that said we are happy to reveal the slogans being considered to promote the 2009 baseball season.
- Smizik lied about retiring, we wont lie about winning
- We're Consistent
- Lanny is gone, the hex has been lifted!
- 3 seasons, 3 pitching coaches, could you be next?!?!
- World Champions (if your world consists of a 3 block radius between General Robinson St and Tony Dorsett Dr)!
- We won out 5th championship in 19 freakin' 79!
- Bucco Baseball "You're soaking in it!"

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Smizik Retires, World Rejoices

Pittsburgers took to the streets in a spontaneous celebration upon the announcement that Post-Gazette columnist Bob Smizik was retiring. The rally snarled traffic for hours leaving motorists upset until they were informed of the retirement news. John Holub, a postal worker from Turtle Creek, told PSR "There was alot of road rage out there until the news spread about Smizik, after that we all jumped out of our cars and joined in the celebration." Smizik is lauded in Pittsburgh for not voting for Larry Fitzgerald for the Heisman Trophy, pissing in the Stanley Cup, headbutting Dan Potash, and the infamous "Beakergate" incident.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Queen of West Virginia Named

West Virginia quarterback Pat "Petite" White has been voted Queen of
West Virginia by the executive panel of the West Virginian Republican Party . When asked to comment White told PSR "Ohh my gosh, I'm am soooo excited to be Queen, thanks for asking. I just can't wait to get together with my team to celebrate" He then proceeded to eat corn cob pipe.

Other finalists included Don Knotts and Soupy Sales.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Big Ben discloses injury

Ben Roethlisberger informed the Pittsburgh media that he has been playing this entire season with a severed rectum. The severed rectum adds to a laundry list of horrific injuries that Roethlisberger has disclosed playing with in what has become a yearly tradition. In previous seasons the QB has participated in games with:

Broken toe
Bruised liver
Lacerated nipple
Compound fracture of the heart

When asked to provide the name of the physician making these diagnoses Roethlisberger responded “I’m number seven because that was John Elway’s number”

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Hillgrove finalist for Pirates GM job

Your PSR staff has learned that University of Pittsburgh and Pittsburgh Steeler play-by-play man Bill Hillgrove is a finalist for the Pirates General Manager position. Hillgorve, 74 a Baldwin native has no formal baseball experience. When contacted about Hillgrove Pirate owner Bob Nutting noted "Billy is a great guy and would be a great GM for anybody, I have not made a formal offer and prefer to not comment beyond that". When being prodded on his candidacy by Steeler sidekick Tunch Ilkin during a recent broadcast Hillgrove would only state "Stacked I formation, Kordell back to pass, no that's Big Ben on the whirly bird option! Wait...Rutgers ball???? Ramon for 3, it's in and out." Long time Hillgrove partner, friend, and former Pirate Dick Groat only managed a one word response when contacted by PSR "Wwwwoooooooow".

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Paterno goes to extremes to punish players

Central Pennsylvania Community College football coach Joe Paterno has ruffled his players feathers with a recent crack down on campus shenanigans. Convicted rapist and wide receiver Ki-Blair VanEnis tells PSR of the hardships faced by himself and other players. "Coach has really tightened the reigns on us, we're eating Sevruga caviar rather than Beluga. And this Chateau le Blanc '68 he's giving us is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What does he think we are, animals?" A lunching player who wished to remain anonymous stated "You call this gazpacho? Real gazpacho has got chunks in it! This is more like soup! I only have three misdemeanors, I ain't know why coach has to punish everyone because of a few mistakes".

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Inappropriate signs mar Pirate protest

Pirate fans saw the planned ownership protest as an opportunity to show their comedic sides. PNC Park management confiscated dozens of signs it deemed inappropriate. But, before all the signs were taken away the PSR staff was able to note a few of their favorites:

1. STOP NUTTING....on the fans
2. I cant wait to see a nutting bobblehead
3. Sally Wiggins stole my virginity!
4. Nutting causes the Angry Pirate
5. Hey Trenni Kusnierek, you left your purse at my house
6. Pirate fans need a break after nutting

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

It takes a PSR to make life simple

Giant Eagle has announced that it will soon add another item to its line of Pittsburgh-centric products. "Troy Polamalu's Bad Boy Poi" will soon join Wannstedt's Wacky Ranch Dressing, Jason Bay's "Just one more minute Mom" Shoe Polish, Evgeni Malkin Borsh Brigade (Ural Mt. Style), and Jeff Reed Super Steeler Spicy Cupcake Mix in the popular regional product line. A very important Giant Eagle corporate office employee stated "If it says Stillers it'll sell. Literally put some crap in a bowl, slap a sticker of Tim Lester on it and it will sell millions. Maybe .5% of the Pittsburgh population even know what poi is, our main ingredient is corn syrup, nobody will know the difference" Look for Troy Polamalu's Bad Boy Poi on your Giant Eagle shelves this summer.

Former Pittsburgh favorites in the product line included:
Bobby Bo's Tobacco Scented Hair Conditioner
The Kevin Stevens Nacho Experience
"Roundin' Third" Aramis Ramirez Intimacy Gel *enhanced with Puepetine
Football Scent #9 by Jerry Olsavsky

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Pittsburgh Sports in the Year 2000

In the year 2000...
- Chardonnay will replace beer as the preferred Steeler tailgate beverage
- Guy Junker will unveil his own line of mock turtlenecks
- Pittsburgh Riverhounds move to Wilmerding, change their name to the Dongs
- People will realize that Penn State is not local and their teams shouldn't be treated as such
- Construction of Heinz Field stops after archaeologists discover the remains of Barry Foster
- Jerome Lane will break his neighbors garage hung backboard on a dare
- An 11 year old hockey phenom in Nova Scotia will visit the Eastern Canada Penguin Reserve
- Flying cars

Thursday, April 19, 2007

2007 PNC Park Preview

Being the media moguls that we are, the staff of PSR was invited to an exclusive event at PNC Park to kick off the 2007 season. As you may have seen on the local news this event previewed new concessions such as the Bucco Taco as well as showcasing giveaways and special events. The local news can only go so far so we at PSR are going to tell you about other items of interest making their debut at PNC Park this season.
Parrot Poon Alley - Meet your favorite Liberty Avenue Lady of the Night
The Swashbuckler Salad - Lettuce marinated in rum, rotten tomatoes, M&Ms, served with Iron City dressing
Duffy Dog - You get you the bun but the hot dog is in Arizona
Littlefield Leftovers - Stadium fare from other MLB parks reheated in a $50million microwave oven
K-Mart K Nights - When your Buccos strike out you win. 5% (up to 50%) off of Martha Stewart products with every Pirate whiff.
Operation Shutdown Bobblehead Night - Derrick Bell bobbling on his custom made bus
Bill Hillgrove Nights - Every Thursday is a Bill Hillgrove night. PA announcer will announce the wrong batter, balls will be counted as strikes and strikes as balls on the scoreboard, Nikolai Volkoff will sing the Russian national anthem, and the first 5,000 fans will receive a poster featuring a copy of Jerome Bettis' birth certificate giving us further proof that he is from Detroit

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

"Tommy John" Surgery to be renamed

According to JAMA: The Journal of the American Medical Association, the procedure known affectionately as Tommy John surgery, named after a major league picture who first received the pioneering treatment, will be renamed David Littlefield surgery. Orthopedic shoulder and elbow specialist Dr. Omar Moreno explains "We owe Mr. Littlefield a debt of gratitude for all he has done our profession, over the last five years the Pirate organization has provided us with sixty-four blown out elbows to practice our trade on, David Littlefield is more than worthy of this acknowledgment". In a related item, with the news that 2006 first round selection Brad Lincoln will be going under the knife, Pirate Management will now require all pitchers selected in the amateur draft to receive the David Littlefield surgery prior to assignment to a minor league club. "We're stopping the problem before it develops" says Littlefield "We as an organization have to be conscious of the health of our players, a technical term for what we are doing is 'preventative medicine'. You may want to get used to that phrase, it will replace 'We Will' as the team marketing slogan after the All-Star break"

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Punter snubs Poles

Quarter Polish Steeler Punter Chris Gardocki has shuned Poland to vacation in Jamaica. Gardocki whos Paternal Great-Grandmother hails from the Polish city of Gdansk located on the Baltic Sea has apparently overlooked Steeler Management's (SteMat) decree that players are required to retrace their roots during the off-season. WPXI reporter Yolanda Hawkins informed Steeler Public Relations Manager Burt Lauten of the situation when she spotted Gardocki hoping on a flight to Jamaica. Hawkins, stationed at Pittsburgh International Airport covering Steeler Defensive Back Bryant McFadden's trip to Ireland was visibly shaken according to a well placed airport source. "Yolanda, lost it plain and simple, she kept yelling 'Why Chris WHY!' suggesting there was a problem that needed [to be] corrected" For his part Gardocki has agreed to set-up a scholarship fund benefiting children of Polo-Czech-Russo-Namibian descent.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Where in the world is Chris Duffy?

PSR has received numerous tips concerning the whereabouts of AWOL Pittsburgh Pirate Center Fielder Chris Duffy. While we do appreciate the tips, if you spot C-Duff please contact Pirate Management first, then inform PSR. So, where has Chris Duffy been?
1. Kindered Spirits Yarn Studio in Franklin, PA
2. In line at Murrysville, PA Hollywood Video renting Brokeback Mountain
3. Braddock Carnegie Library updating his myspace page
4. Hiding in Trenni Kusnierek's bushes
5. Power lunch at Oakland's Szechwan Express

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Ohhh no, I burn dem again

Buccos skipper Jim Tracey has sought the help of PSR staff for recent bullpen sessions with starter Oliver Perez. PSR staff have been breaking down tape and working on the southpaw's mechanics in an attempt to regain the 2004 form that earned Perez the title of the league's "next Randy Johnson."

An upbeat Perez told the assembled media: "PSR helps me bring the heat. . . lots of heat."

Pitching coach Jim Colborn was unavailable for comment as he was adjusting Zach Duke's mechanics to throw right-handed.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Jerome Bettis is from Detroit

PSR has been hearing rumors that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Bucs '06: Come hungry for Burghball

A PSR baseball insider has received a copy of a Pittsburgh Pirate internal memo discussing the 2006 season slogan finalists. The finalists include:

Bobbleheads and Fireworks, what more can you ask for?
This season low score wins...Ohhh Yeah!
Remember the guy that stole first? Well he's not here anymore.
Rebuilding makes us stronger
Your 2006 Pittsburgh Pirates: No Bird Flu Here
It's Not The Cellar, It's The Game Room
and Your 2006 Pittsburgh Pirates: "Penn State Sucks"

Keep your browser pointed to PSR as we'll keep you updated on any breaking slogan developments.

Friday, December 09, 2005

PSR Special: Bubby goes to Bucco Di Beppo

You probably remember former Steeler Quarterback Bubby Brister as the sharp as a tack gun slinger for the black and gold in the early nineties. But fortunately for PSR readers and just in time for the Super Bowl, Bubby has agreed to provide us with his insight on his number one passion, no not football, fine dining. So we sent Bubby to one of Station Squares most popular eateries Bucco Di Beppo.

Exiting the tunnel brings back so many great memories of the Iron City, ice fishing on the lakes, pigeon shooting in Market Square, dropping acid with a hooker on Liberty Avenue, ahhhh and there is Hunts Stadium on the left. But PSR isn't paying me to reminisce, I'm here to talk about my trip to Bucco Di Beppo. Bucco Di Beppo is an Italian phrase loosely translated meaning "yum, greasy meatball". For those yet to visit the eatery the restaurant features themed dining rooms such as the mob room, spaghetti sauce room, and the popular Mussolini Room, where I was seated. On with the meal.

My waitress offered to start me out with a drink, I politely turned it down as I had consumed a half-dozen chimmychonga margaritas an hour earlier at the airport bar waiting for my ride. So right on to the entrĂ©e we went. I ordered Luigi's Vaticanno Antipasta. To my surprise my plate was pasta free when it arrived. I said to the waitress "I ordered the ANTIpasta, please take this back". The waitress went on to explain something about the dish that I didn’t pay any attention to. During my international studies and travels I learned that the national dish of Italy was Partini Gatto. Gatto wasn't on the menu but after a conversation with the chef he assured me he could whip some up. After I signed a waiver (had to promise not to contact PETA) the gatto arrived. I found it to be a bit gamy, similar to the "Louisiana Chat" my Momma used to make. Well, those chimmyconga margaritas are starting to make me sleepy so on my 3 lake scale Bucco Di Beppo gets 2.3 lakes.

Pittsburgh to get new mayor, O'connor to be dealt

In a suprise move the City of Pittsburgh will deal mayor elect Bob O'Connor to the Cincinnati Reds for "The Mayor" Sean Casey. It's not clear what use the Reds have for Mr. O'Connor but it's possible they will dangle him to the Tigers with their recent affinity for Pittsburgh products. Pittsburgh on the other hand had a clear void that Casey can fill, although his 8.6 million dollar contract will have to be compensated with the loss of many city services and departments such as: sanitation, animal control, recycling, police, street maintence, snow removal, fire rescue, emergency medical services, public works, personnel and civil services, finance, housing authority, city parks, pension, sewage, and the Mayor's Office.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Ilkin, Hillgrove Ask PSR For Retirement Nod

In Copesque fashion Steeler broadcasters Tunch Ilkin and Bill Hillgrove have asked PSR to provide the official notification as to when it is time for each to step away from the mic. Upon Mr. Hillgrove's retirement the Bankers Club company has already announced that it will issue a commemorative tequilla bottle. The bottle will feature famous "groveisms" such as:
- "That was a gain of 7, Jerome Bettis up the middle for the Steeler first down, wait, pardon me, that was a loss of 12 with Tim Worley on the end-around"
- "Pete Gonzalez back to pass, TOUCHDOWN Panthers, no its coming the other way, picked off, who has the ball?"
- and Pitt basketball classics such as "Sean Miller for three, it's in! No, it's out!"

Friday, August 26, 2005

6 hour erection experienced, physician consulted

A PSR probe has reavealed that former Steeler and Tennessee Titan Yancy Thigpen was rushed to his personal physician after experiencing a 6 hour 22 minute 35 second erection. It is beleived that the condition that Mr. Thigpen suffered was a result of a prescribed ED treatment. A neighbor of Mr. Thigpen noted "For hours that guy was standing in his yard throwing footballs through a tire with his wife giggling in the background, that's funkin' creepy".