Hillgrove finalist for Pirates GM job

Your PSR staff has learned that University of Pittsburgh and Pittsburgh Steeler play-by-play man Bill Hillgrove is a finalist for the Pirates General Manager position. Hillgorve, 74 a Baldwin native has no formal baseball experience. When contacted about Hillgrove Pirate owner Bob Nutting noted "Billy is a great guy and would be a great GM for anybody, I have not made a formal offer and prefer to not comment beyond that". When being prodded on his candidacy by Steeler sidekick Tunch Ilkin during a recent broadcast Hillgrove would only state "Stacked I formation, Kordell back to pass, no that's Big Ben on the whirly bird option! Wait...Rutgers ball???? Ramon for 3, it's in and out." Long time Hillgrove partner, friend, and former Pirate Dick Groat only managed a one word response when contacted by PSR "Wwwwoooooooow".

Paterno goes to extremes to punish players

Central Pennsylvania Community College football coach Joe Paterno has ruffled his players feathers with a recent crack down on campus shenanigans. Convicted rapist and wide receiver Ki-Blair VanEnis tells PSR of the hardships faced by himself and other players. "Coach has really tightened the reigns on us, we're eating Sevruga caviar rather than Beluga. And this Chateau le Blanc '68 he's giving us is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What does he think we are, animals?" A lunching player who wished to remain anonymous stated "You call this gazpacho? Real gazpacho has got chunks in it! This is more like soup! I only have three misdemeanors, I ain't know why coach has to punish everyone because of a few mistakes".

Inappropriate signs mar Pirate protest

Pirate fans saw the planned ownership protest as an opportunity to show their comedic sides. PNC Park management confiscated dozens of signs it deemed inappropriate. But, before all the signs were taken away the PSR staff was able to note a few of their favorites:




1. STOP NUTTING....on the fans
2. I cant wait to see a nutting bobblehead
3. Sally Wiggins stole my virginity!
4. Nutting causes the Angry Pirate
5. Hey Trenni Kusnierek, you left your purse at my house
6. Pirate fans need a break after nutting

It takes a PSR to make life simple

Giant Eagle has announced that it will soon add another item to its line of Pittsburgh-centric products. "Troy Polamalu's Bad Boy Poi" will soon join Wannstedt's Wacky Ranch Dressing, Jason Bay's "Just one more minute Mom" Shoe Polish, Evgeni Malkin Borsh Brigade (Ural Mt. Style), and Jeff Reed Super Steeler Spicy Cupcake Mix in the popular regional product line. A very important Giant Eagle corporate office employee stated "If it says Stillers it'll sell. Literally put some crap in a bowl, slap a sticker of Tim Lester on it and it will sell millions. Maybe .5% of the Pittsburgh population even know what poi is, our main ingredient is corn syrup, nobody will know the difference" Look for Troy Polamalu's Bad Boy Poi on your Giant Eagle shelves this summer.

Former Pittsburgh favorites in the product line included:
Bobby Bo's Tobacco Scented Hair Conditioner
The Kevin Stevens Nacho Experience
"Roundin' Third" Aramis Ramirez Intimacy Gel *enhanced with Puepetine
Football Scent #9 by Jerry Olsavsky

Pittsburgh Sports in the Year 2000

In the year 2000...
- Chardonnay will replace beer as the preferred Steeler tailgate beverage
- Guy Junker will unveil his own line of mock turtlenecks
- Pittsburgh Riverhounds move to Wilmerding, change their name to the Dongs
- People will realize that Penn State is not local and their teams shouldn't be treated as such
- Construction of Heinz Field stops after archaeologists discover the remains of Barry Foster
- Jerome Lane will break his neighbors garage hung backboard on a dare
- An 11 year old hockey phenom in Nova Scotia will visit the Eastern Canada Penguin Reserve
- Flying cars

2007 PNC Park Preview

Being the media moguls that we are, the staff of PSR was invited to an exclusive event at PNC Park to kick off the 2007 season. As you may have seen on the local news this event previewed new concessions such as the Bucco Taco as well as showcasing giveaways and special events. The local news can only go so far so we at PSR are going to tell you about other items of interest making their debut at PNC Park this season.
Parrot Poon Alley - Meet your favorite Liberty Avenue Lady of the Night
The Swashbuckler Salad - Lettuce marinated in rum, rotten tomatoes, M&Ms, served with Iron City dressing
Duffy Dog - You get you the bun but the hot dog is in Arizona
Littlefield Leftovers - Stadium fare from other MLB parks reheated in a $50million microwave oven
K-Mart K Nights - When your Buccos strike out you win. 5% (up to 50%) off of Martha Stewart products with every Pirate whiff.
Operation Shutdown Bobblehead Night - Derrick Bell bobbling on his custom made bus
Bill Hillgrove Nights - Every Thursday is a Bill Hillgrove night. PA announcer will announce the wrong batter, balls will be counted as strikes and strikes as balls on the scoreboard, Nikolai Volkoff will sing the Russian national anthem, and the first 5,000 fans will receive a poster featuring a copy of Jerome Bettis' birth certificate giving us further proof that he is from Detroit

"Tommy John" Surgery to be renamed

According to JAMA: The Journal of the American Medical Association, the procedure known affectionately as Tommy John surgery, named after a major league picture who first received the pioneering treatment, will be renamed David Littlefield surgery. Orthopedic shoulder and elbow specialist Dr. Omar Moreno explains "We owe Mr. Littlefield a debt of gratitude for all he has done our profession, over the last five years the Pirate organization has provided us with sixty-four blown out elbows to practice our trade on, David Littlefield is more than worthy of this acknowledgment". In a related item, with the news that 2006 first round selection Brad Lincoln will be going under the knife, Pirate Management will now require all pitchers selected in the amateur draft to receive the David Littlefield surgery prior to assignment to a minor league club. "We're stopping the problem before it develops" says Littlefield "We as an organization have to be conscious of the health of our players, a technical term for what we are doing is 'preventative medicine'. You may want to get used to that phrase, it will replace 'We Will' as the team marketing slogan after the All-Star break"