Queen of West Virginia Named

West Virginia quarterback Pat "Petite" White has been voted Queen of
West Virginia by the executive panel of the West Virginian Republican Party . When asked to comment White told PSR "Ohh my gosh, I'm am soooo excited to be Queen, thanks for asking. I just can't wait to get together with my team to celebrate" He then proceeded to eat corn cob pipe.

Other finalists included Don Knotts and Soupy Sales.

Big Ben discloses injury

Ben Roethlisberger informed the Pittsburgh media that he has been playing this entire season with a severed rectum. The severed rectum adds to a laundry list of horrific injuries that Roethlisberger has disclosed playing with in what has become a yearly tradition. In previous seasons the QB has participated in games with:

Broken toe
Bruised liver
Lacerated nipple
Compound fracture of the heart

When asked to provide the name of the physician making these diagnoses Roethlisberger responded “I’m number seven because that was John Elway’s number”