Smizik Retires, World Rejoices

Pittsburgers took to the streets in a spontaneous celebration upon the announcement that Post-Gazette columnist Bob Smizik was retiring. The rally snarled traffic for hours leaving motorists upset until they were informed of the retirement news. John Holub, a postal worker from Turtle Creek, told PSR "There was alot of road rage out there until the news spread about Smizik, after that we all jumped out of our cars and joined in the celebration." Smizik is lauded in Pittsburgh for not voting for Larry Fitzgerald for the Heisman Trophy, pissing in the Stanley Cup, headbutting Dan Potash, and the infamous "Beakergate" incident.

Queen of West Virginia Named

West Virginia quarterback Pat "Petite" White has been voted Queen of
West Virginia by the executive panel of the West Virginian Republican Party . When asked to comment White told PSR "Ohh my gosh, I'm am soooo excited to be Queen, thanks for asking. I just can't wait to get together with my team to celebrate" He then proceeded to eat corn cob pipe.

Other finalists included Don Knotts and Soupy Sales.

Big Ben discloses injury

Ben Roethlisberger informed the Pittsburgh media that he has been playing this entire season with a severed rectum. The severed rectum adds to a laundry list of horrific injuries that Roethlisberger has disclosed playing with in what has become a yearly tradition. In previous seasons the QB has participated in games with:

Broken toe
Bruised liver
Lacerated nipple
Compound fracture of the heart

When asked to provide the name of the physician making these diagnoses Roethlisberger responded “I’m number seven because that was John Elway’s number”