Pittsburgh Sports Rumors

Pirates Unvail 2009 Slogan Finalists

2009-02-25T12:49:00.005-05:00

Once again our PSR Pirate Insider was granted unprecedented access to internal club marketing meetings. With that said we are happy to reveal the slogans being considered to promote the 2009 baseball season.
- Smizik lied about retiring, we wont lie about winning
- We're Consistent
- Lanny is gone, the hex has been lifted!
- 3 seasons, 3 pitching coaches, could you be next?!?!
- World Champions (if your world consists of a 3 block radius between General Robinson St and Tony Dorsett Dr)!
- We won out 5th championship in 19 freakin' 79!
- Bucco Baseball "You're soaking in it!"

Smizik Retires, World Rejoices

2008-12-17T10:54:00.005-05:00

Pittsburgers took to the streets in a spontaneous celebration upon the announcement that Post-Gazette columnist Bob Smizik was retiring. The rally snarled traffic for hours leaving motorists upset until they were informed of the retirement news. John Holub, a postal worker from Turtle Creek, told PSR "There was alot of road rage out there until the news spread about Smizik, after that we all jumped out of our cars and joined in the celebration." Smizik is lauded in Pittsburgh for not voting for Larry Fitzgerald for the Heisman Trophy, pissing in the Stanley Cup, headbutting Dan Potash, and the infamous "Beakergate" incident.

Queen of West Virginia Named

2008-11-21T16:12:00.006-05:00

West Virginia quarterback Pat "Petite" White has been voted Queen of
West Virginia by the executive panel of the West Virginian Republican Party . When asked to comment White told PSR "Ohh my gosh, I'm am soooo excited to be Queen, thanks for asking. I just can't wait to get together with my team to celebrate" He then proceeded to eat corn cob pipe.

Other finalists included Don Knotts and Soupy Sales.

Big Ben discloses injury

2008-11-20T13:48:00.004-05:00

Ben Roethlisberger informed the Pittsburgh media that he has been playing this entire season with a severed rectum. The severed rectum adds to a laundry list of horrific injuries that Roethlisberger has disclosed playing with in what has become a yearly tradition. In previous seasons the QB has participated in games with:

Broken toe
Bruised liver
Lacerated nipple
Compound fracture of the heart

When asked to provide the name of the physician making these diagnoses Roethlisberger responded “I’m number seven because that was John Elway’s number”

Hillgrove finalist for Pirates GM job

2007-09-19T13:00:00.001-04:00

Your PSR staff has learned that University of Pittsburgh and Pittsburgh Steeler play-by-play man Bill Hillgrove is a finalist for the Pirates General Manager position. Hillgorve, 74 a Baldwin native has no formal baseball experience. When contacted about Hillgrove Pirate owner Bob Nutting noted "Billy is a great guy and would be a great GM for anybody, I have not made a formal offer and prefer to not comment beyond that". When being prodded on his candidacy by Steeler sidekick Tunch Ilkin during a recent broadcast Hillgrove would only state "Stacked I formation, Kordell back to pass, no that's Big Ben on the whirly bird option! Wait...Rutgers ball???? Ramon for 3, it's in and out." Long time Hillgrove partner, friend, and former Pirate Dick Groat only managed a one word response when contacted by PSR "Wwwwoooooooow".

Paterno goes to extremes to punish players

2007-07-18T11:23:00.000-04:00

Central Pennsylvania Community College football coach Joe Paterno has ruffled his players feathers with a recent crack down on campus shenanigans. Convicted rapist and wide receiver Ki-Blair VanEnis tells PSR of the hardships faced by himself and other players. "Coach has really tightened the reigns on us, we're eating Sevruga caviar rather than Beluga. And this Chateau le Blanc '68 he's giving us is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What does he think we are, animals?" A lunching player who wished to remain anonymous stated "You call this gazpacho? Real gazpacho has got chunks in it! This is more like soup! I only have three misdemeanors, I ain't know why coach has to punish everyone because of a few mistakes".

Inappropriate signs mar Pirate protest

2007-07-03T14:33:00.001-04:00

Pirate fans saw the planned ownership protest as an opportunity to show their comedic sides. PNC Park management confiscated dozens of signs it deemed inappropriate. But, before all the signs were taken away the PSR staff was able to note a few of their favorites:

1. STOP NUTTING....on the fans
2. I cant wait to see a nutting bobblehead
3. Sally Wiggins stole my virginity!
4. Nutting causes the Angry Pirate
5. Hey Trenni Kusnierek, you left your purse at my house
6. Pirate fans need a break after nutting

It takes a PSR to make life simple

2007-05-29T14:02:00.000-04:00

Giant Eagle has announced that it will soon add another item to its line of Pittsburgh-centric products. "Troy Polamalu's Bad Boy Poi" will soon join Wannstedt's Wacky Ranch Dressing, Jason Bay's "Just one more minute Mom" Shoe Polish, Evgeni Malkin Borsh Brigade (Ural Mt. Style), and Jeff Reed Super Steeler Spicy Cupcake Mix in the popular regional product line. A very important Giant Eagle corporate office employee stated "If it says Stillers it'll sell. Literally put some crap in a bowl, slap a sticker of Tim Lester on it and it will sell millions. Maybe .5% of the Pittsburgh population even know what poi is, our main ingredient is corn syrup, nobody will know the difference" Look for Troy Polamalu's Bad Boy Poi on your Giant Eagle shelves this summer.

Former Pittsburgh favorites in the product line included:
Bobby Bo's Tobacco Scented Hair Conditioner
The Kevin Stevens Nacho Experience
"Roundin' Third" Aramis Ramirez Intimacy Gel *enhanced with Puepetine
Football Scent #9 by Jerry Olsavsky

Pittsburgh Sports in the Year 2000

2007-05-03T15:03:00.000-04:00

In the year 2000...
- Chardonnay will replace beer as the preferred Steeler tailgate beverage
- Guy Junker will unveil his own line of mock turtlenecks
- Pittsburgh Riverhounds move to Wilmerding, change their name to the Dongs
- People will realize that Penn State is not local and their teams shouldn't be treated as such
- Construction of Heinz Field stops after archaeologists discover the remains of Barry Foster
- Jerome Lane will break his neighbors garage hung backboard on a dare
- An 11 year old hockey phenom in Nova Scotia will visit the Eastern Canada Penguin Reserve
- Flying cars

2007 PNC Park Preview

2007-04-19T13:03:00.000-04:00

Being the media moguls that we are, the staff of PSR was invited to an exclusive event at PNC Park to kick off the 2007 season. As you may have seen on the local news this event previewed new concessions such as the Bucco Taco as well as showcasing giveaways and special events. The local news can only go so far so we at PSR are going to tell you about other items of interest making their debut at PNC Park this season.
Parrot Poon Alley - Meet your favorite Liberty Avenue Lady of the Night
The Swashbuckler Salad - Lettuce marinated in rum, rotten tomatoes, M&Ms, served with Iron City dressing
Duffy Dog - You get you the bun but the hot dog is in Arizona
Littlefield Leftovers - Stadium fare from other MLB parks reheated in a $50million microwave oven
K-Mart K Nights - When your Buccos strike out you win. 5% (up to 50%) off of Martha Stewart products with every Pirate whiff.
Operation Shutdown Bobblehead Night - Derrick Bell bobbling on his custom made bus
Bill Hillgrove Nights - Every Thursday is a Bill Hillgrove night. PA announcer will announce the wrong batter, balls will be counted as strikes and strikes as balls on the scoreboard, Nikolai Volkoff will sing the Russian national anthem, and the first 5,000 fans will receive a poster featuring a copy of Jerome Bettis' birth certificate giving us further proof that he is from Detroit

"Tommy John" Surgery to be renamed

2007-04-11T14:13:00.000-04:00

According to JAMA: The Journal of the American Medical Association, the procedure known affectionately as Tommy John surgery, named after a major league picture who first received the pioneering treatment, will be renamed David Littlefield surgery. Orthopedic shoulder and elbow specialist Dr. Omar Moreno explains "We owe Mr. Littlefield a debt of gratitude for all he has done our profession, over the last five years the Pirate organization has provided us with sixty-four blown out elbows to practice our trade on, David Littlefield is more than worthy of this acknowledgment". In a related item, with the news that 2006 first round selection Brad Lincoln will be going under the knife, Pirate Management will now require all pitchers selected in the amateur draft to receive the David Littlefield surgery prior to assignment to a minor league club. "We're stopping the problem before it develops" says Littlefield "We as an organization have to be conscious of the health of our players, a technical term for what we are doing is 'preventative medicine'. You may want to get used to that phrase, it will replace 'We Will' as the team marketing slogan after the All-Star break"

Punter snubs Poles

2006-06-06T09:25:00.000-04:00

Quarter Polish Steeler Punter Chris Gardocki has shuned Poland to vacation in Jamaica. Gardocki whos Paternal Great-Grandmother hails from the Polish city of Gdansk located on the Baltic Sea has apparently overlooked Steeler Management's (SteMat) decree that players are required to retrace their roots during the off-season. WPXI reporter Yolanda Hawkins informed Steeler Public Relations Manager Burt Lauten of the situation when she spotted Gardocki hoping on a flight to Jamaica. Hawkins, stationed at Pittsburgh International Airport covering Steeler Defensive Back Bryant McFadden's trip to Ireland was visibly shaken according to a well placed airport source. "Yolanda, lost it plain and simple, she kept yelling 'Why Chris WHY!' suggesting there was a problem that needed [to be] corrected" For his part Gardocki has agreed to set-up a scholarship fund benefiting children of Polo-Czech-Russo-Namibian descent.

Where in the world is Chris Duffy?

2006-05-20T21:47:00.000-04:00

PSR has received numerous tips concerning the whereabouts of AWOL Pittsburgh Pirate Center Fielder Chris Duffy. While we do appreciate the tips, if you spot C-Duff please contact Pirate Management first, then inform PSR. So, where has Chris Duffy been?
1. Kindered Spirits Yarn Studio in Franklin, PA
2. In line at Murrysville, PA Hollywood Video renting Brokeback Mountain
3. Braddock Carnegie Library updating his myspace page
4. Hiding in Trenni Kusnierek's bushes
5. Power lunch at Oakland's Szechwan Express

Ohhh no, I burn dem again

2006-05-16T22:52:00.000-04:00

Buccos skipper Jim Tracey has sought the help of PSR staff for recent bullpen sessions with starter Oliver Perez. PSR staff have been breaking down tape and working on the southpaw's mechanics in an attempt to regain the 2004 form that earned Perez the title of the league's "next Randy Johnson."

An upbeat Perez told the assembled media: "PSR helps me bring the heat. . . lots of heat."

Pitching coach Jim Colborn was unavailable for comment as he was adjusting Zach Duke's mechanics to throw right-handed.

Jerome Bettis is from Detroit

2006-04-14T23:06:00.000-04:00

PSR has been hearing rumors that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

Bucs '06: Come hungry for Burghball

2006-02-25T22:13:00.000-05:00

A PSR baseball insider has received a copy of a Pittsburgh Pirate internal memo discussing the 2006 season slogan finalists. The finalists include:

Bobbleheads and Fireworks, what more can you ask for?
This season low score wins...Ohhh Yeah!
Remember the guy that stole first? Well he's not here anymore.
Rebuilding makes us stronger
Your 2006 Pittsburgh Pirates: No Bird Flu Here
It's Not The Cellar, It's The Game Room
and Your 2006 Pittsburgh Pirates: "Penn State Sucks"

Keep your browser pointed to PSR as we'll keep you updated on any breaking slogan developments.

PSR Special: Bubby goes to Bucco Di Beppo

2005-12-09T23:47:00.000-05:00

You probably remember former Steeler Quarterback Bubby Brister as the sharp as a tack gun slinger for the black and gold in the early nineties. But fortunately for PSR readers and just in time for the Super Bowl, Bubby has agreed to provide us with his insight on his number one passion, no not football, fine dining. So we sent Bubby to one of Station Squares most popular eateries Bucco Di Beppo.

Exiting the tunnel brings back so many great memories of the Iron City, ice fishing on the lakes, pigeon shooting in Market Square, dropping acid with a hooker on Liberty Avenue, ahhhh and there is Hunts Stadium on the left. But PSR isn't paying me to reminisce, I'm here to talk about my trip to Bucco Di Beppo. Bucco Di Beppo is an Italian phrase loosely translated meaning "yum, greasy meatball". For those yet to visit the eatery the restaurant features themed dining rooms such as the mob room, spaghetti sauce room, and the popular Mussolini Room, where I was seated. On with the meal.

My waitress offered to start me out with a drink, I politely turned it down as I had consumed a half-dozen chimmychonga margaritas an hour earlier at the airport bar waiting for my ride. So right on to the entrée we went. I ordered Luigi's Vaticanno Antipasta. To my surprise my plate was pasta free when it arrived. I said to the waitress "I ordered the ANTIpasta, please take this back". The waitress went on to explain something about the dish that I didn’t pay any attention to. During my international studies and travels I learned that the national dish of Italy was Partini Gatto. Gatto wasn't on the menu but after a conversation with the chef he assured me he could whip some up. After I signed a waiver (had to promise not to contact PETA) the gatto arrived. I found it to be a bit gamy, similar to the "Louisiana Chat" my Momma used to make. Well, those chimmyconga margaritas are starting to make me sleepy so on my 3 lake scale Bucco Di Beppo gets 2.3 lakes.

Pittsburgh to get new mayor, O'connor to be dealt

2005-12-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

In a suprise move the City of Pittsburgh will deal mayor elect Bob O'Connor to the Cincinnati Reds for "The Mayor" Sean Casey. It's not clear what use the Reds have for Mr. O'Connor but it's possible they will dangle him to the Tigers with their recent affinity for Pittsburgh products. Pittsburgh on the other hand had a clear void that Casey can fill, although his 8.6 million dollar contract will have to be compensated with the loss of many city services and departments such as: sanitation, animal control, recycling, police, street maintence, snow removal, fire rescue, emergency medical services, public works, personnel and civil services, finance, housing authority, city parks, pension, sewage, and the Mayor's Office.

Ilkin, Hillgrove Ask PSR For Retirement Nod

2005-09-25T17:40:00.000-04:00

In Copesque fashion Steeler broadcasters Tunch Ilkin and Bill Hillgrove have asked PSR to provide the official notification as to when it is time for each to step away from the mic. Upon Mr. Hillgrove's retirement the Bankers Club company has already announced that it will issue a commemorative tequilla bottle. The bottle will feature famous "groveisms" such as:
- "That was a gain of 7, Jerome Bettis up the middle for the Steeler first down, wait, pardon me, that was a loss of 12 with Tim Worley on the end-around"
- "Pete Gonzalez back to pass, TOUCHDOWN Panthers, no its coming the other way, picked off, who has the ball?"
- and Pitt basketball classics such as "Sean Miller for three, it's in! No, it's out!"

6 hour erection experienced, physician consulted

2005-08-26T13:20:00.000-04:00

A PSR probe has reavealed that former Steeler and Tennessee Titan Yancy Thigpen was rushed to his personal physician after experiencing a 6 hour 22 minute 35 second erection. It is beleived that the condition that Mr. Thigpen suffered was a result of a prescribed ED treatment. A neighbor of Mr. Thigpen noted "For hours that guy was standing in his yard throwing footballs through a tire with his wife giggling in the background, that's funkin' creepy".

David Spade "Buh-bye" to PNC Park

2005-08-16T21:28:00.000-04:00

Effective immediately, Buccos owner Kevin McClatchy has instituted a new "anti-David Spade" policy for all Pirates home games. The policy, announced Tuesday in a press release, formally bans actor David Spade from entering PNC Park environs. Said McClatchy: "From Weekend Update to his voice work in the animated Disney film The Emperor's New Groove, David Spade's annoying, unfunny jokes have managed to ruin all that he has been associated with. I will not allow his presence to tarnish America's most beautiful ballpark. This ban also prohibits Mr. Spade from tailgating in adjacent parking lots."

Pens to sign Potash

2005-08-06T21:46:00.000-04:00

After a week of tense negotiations the Penguins are close to signing Dan Potash to a multi-year deal. Potash will become the fourth player added to the Pens roster in a week. He'll join Andre Roy, Sergi Gonchar, and Zigmond Palffy as newcomers this season. Potash's agent Ken Polk provided a few details to PSR "One time I went out with Dan and he drank three Busch Lights in an hour, Trenni Kusnierek was with us so I think he was just trying to be a big boy. We had to carry him out of there". Pens GM Craig Patrick was unavailable for comment as he was cutting his grass.

Pirates propose baseball handicap system

2005-07-20T13:03:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to “even the playing field” Pittsburgh Pirates CEO and Managing General Partner Kevin McClatchy proposed a payroll based handicapping system to MLB Commissioner Bud Selig in a closed-door meeting over the All-Star break.

According to sources that attended the meeting a handicap would be assessed prior to the start of each game and would consist of one run being assigned to the lesser payroll team per every $25,000,000 in payroll differential. For instance, had the system been in place earlier this season when Pittsburgh visited the New York Yankees the Pirates would have begun each contest with a 6-0 lead resulting in Pittsburgh taking 2 of 3 in the series rather than being swept.

In a statement to PSR a Pirate employee who wished to remain anonymous stated, “We’ve heard from our fans, and we know they want the Jolly Roger raised more often. This is an attempt by us to make that happen”.

Buccos skipper to grounds crew: "Skip the bases, we won't be needing those"

2005-04-29T15:53:00.000-04:00

In an unprecedented move the Pirate Management Team (PiMaT) has instructed its grounds crew to not install bases for its upcoming home stand. According to GM David Littlefield "Avoiding base installation should really help out our pitchers. We're running into some teams with a little bump in their bat and this should help slow them down...when you lose it's a rough racket, nobody like to lose".

Buccos turn corner, discover cause of 12 year drought: Lanny

2005-04-28T22:28:00.000-04:00

At the conclusion of the previous, 12th consecutive losing season for the Buccos, GM David Littlefield embarked on an intensive scientific explanation for the cause of the team's unrelenting woes, a search that involved months of computer algorithms at the University of Pittsburgh's supercomputing center. The answer, printed out on a 3 inch piece of calculator tape: "Lanny Fratere. GM David Littlefield: "The computer confirmed what we had all come to believe, that the one constant in the Buccos decades long misery was Mr. Fratere. Lanny was given his pink slip this morning. Myron Cope will fill in as interim announcer until a permanent replacement can be found".

Response to "anonymous"

2005-04-27T22:52:00.000-04:00

"anonymous" had posed the question "Are there any concept drawings of the Beagle Barge yet"? First of all thanks for your question. Second, to answer your question, while there are not any concept drawlings PSR has obtained the following architectural renderings of the project. The following photos were obtained during a presentation being made to City of Pittsburgh mayoral candidate Bill Peduto last evening. As for your question on the upscale coffee bar we hear that Uni-Mart is among the bidders to provide concessions which would include their signature "3and9" blend. Please click on the pictures for a more detailed view.

Local Sushi Boom Lures All-Pro Linebacker

2005-04-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

Our sources have reported that former Steeler and All-Pro linebacker Chad Brown is headed back to Pittsburgh. When asked why he shunned Seattle's last offer of a 1 year $1,000,000 contract in favor of Pittsburgh's 1 year $700,000 deal he simply responded "It's all about the sushi.....period! When I left town in 1997, I made sure that everyone knew that I was leaving because I couldn't get the food I needed to be a dominant force in the NFL. To me sushi is the equivalent of what spinach is to Popeye." It appears that Pittsburgh has wised up to the sushi trend and has recently seen a boom in these types of restaraunts. Apparently that is all Chad needed to hear.

Riverhound Stadium deal in the works

2005-04-24T20:52:00.000-04:00

The Pittsburgh Riverhounds, now know as "Riverhounds FC" are closing in on a deal with Allegheny County that would put them in their own soccer-specific stadium by the year 2007. The stadium referred to in preliminary designs as "The Beagle Barge" would seat 75,000 and will be located on a floating vessel that would patrol the Allegheny, Monongahela, and Ohio Rivers. When asked about the project County Chief Executive Dan Onorato stated "This is a deal that the whole county can get behind, the floating stadium is an ingenious idea. Imagine if you will the 'Beagle Barge' floating down the Mon stopping to host a match between the Braddock PeeWee CornerKickers and Fox Chapel United. This is another way that I'm bringing the communities of the county together. I've always been known as a uniter, not a divider". It is unclear how the barge will produce revenue for the County as the Riverhouds currently only draw a few dozen fans per game but City of Pittsburgh mayor Tom Murphy is fully behind the barge, pledging to raise the city parking tax to 700% to help fund this ambitious project.

Leyland on his way back?

2005-04-22T13:40:00.000-04:00

From a well placed source within the Pirate organization:
With the firing of Lloyd McClendon imminent the Pirates have contacted the agent of former Bucco skipper Jim Leyland. Supposedly the job is Leyland's if he wants it. The Pirates will offer an average Major League manager salary. A sticking point in negotiations may be a demand by Leyland that he be permitted to smoke in the dugout. The Pirates have countered saying that Leyland could smoke on visits to the mound but smoking in the dugout would violate City of Pittsburgh ordinances.

Mildthings???

2005-04-22T10:59:00.000-04:00

The Washington Wildthings are feeling pressure from citizens groups who feel that the teams nickname is offensive. Replacement names under management consideration include:
-The Washington Generals
-The Warshington Lil' Yinzers
-The Washington JAZZ
-The Washington South Pittsburgh Yokels